I have debated for several weeks whether or not to write this blog. I have decided that those who truly love me and value my friendship will read this and love me just as much as they did before. So, here it goes…
My mother was diagnosed with ALS on October 26th. We knew something was wrong since her speech was slurred much of the time, but we never dreamed it was something that would take her life.
At first, I cried ALOT!! I was so sad and wondering how I would live without being out to call or text or visit my mother. Every time I text her to ask a question about a recipe or something else, I think “soon I will not be able to text or call her with my questions”. This breaks my heart and makes me cry. My granddaughter, Grace, is not old enough to remember her Great Grandmother yet. My mom loves this little girl with all her heart. We will do all we can for Grace to know her through us.
The title is anger. You may be asking “why”? Well, here is the answer. I am VERY angry. My mother is a nice woman who has sacrificed her whole life for her children and then her grandchildren. Why must she die the kind of death she is facing? Why must she suffocate?
I have been taking my anger out on my husband sometimes without even realizing why I am acting the way I am. As I was crying and telling him I did not know why I was being so hurtful, he gently said, “I do, you are losing your mother”. I love this man so much that I do not even know how to describe it. We have been married for 26.5 years. He knows me better than anyone ever will…even more than I do at times. He is my rock, and I know as my mother begins to struggle more and more, he will be there for me more and more.
My job, if you can call it a job, allows us to have one full week off each month. This is perfect for what is going on right now. I have been spending each of these weeks with my parents so that I can spend as much time with my mom as possible. We have been able to shop. go out to eat, watch tv and movies together and just hang out. Ken and I spent a day at Silver Dollar City with them earlier this month. It has been great. My family has ALWAYS been very important to me, but the last two months, time with them has become even more precious. We are not guaranteed another day, hour or minute on this earth. We must make full use of the time we have. Cherish your loved ones every day as you never know when it may be the last day you have with them.
I know God is in control, and yes, I believe in him as much as I ever have. Christmas Eve night, I was awake the whole night due to a prednisone shot the doctor gave me that evening. I decided to listen to a playlist on my ipad. I cried and cried because every single song seemed to be telling me that God has this and I just need to turn everything over to Him. I am trying. Trust me, I am. Sometimes are easier than others. I am a person who likes to research things that I am dealing with. I have researched ALS and how it will progress with my mom. She has full use of all of her limbs. Her speech, breathing and swallowing are compromised. She has a feeding tube for when she needs it. She has a machine that helps her breath at night and any other time she needs it. She has a cough assist machine too. Soon, she will have a machine that will speak for her. Technology is great in that it will help her with things she desperately needs help with. But, it will not and cannot save her life.
I pray that I have been a good daughter. I pray that my parents both know how much I love and appreciate them. I pray for my dad. I know it is hard for him to watch his wife of almost 48 years suffer in this manner. I know he wonders how he will make it without her after they have been together so long. My dad is a VERY strong man, but please keep him in your prayers. This IS not and WILL not be easy!!
I have never planned anyone’s funeral before. I have attended many funerals. My husband has officiated at many many funerals. When the time comes, I hope my sister and I give my mom a proper send off that allows everyone to know how much we love and cherish her.
Let your loved ones know right now and every day that they are cherished!! Please keep our family in your prayers!! Pray that I can let go of my anger and be there for my parents the way they need me to be right now.